Miscarriage

I have to approach this topic after reading an article in KSL the other night that led me to a blog.

Most of my friends who have had miscarriages in the last year (I am not including stillborn as that is another topic for discussion) had a different experience than I did.

Most of them got to hear the heartbeat.

We never did.

I asked my doctor to check for me and he said we don't bother cause you know you're pregnant.
He also said my uterus felt the right size- it never was. It was a tumor we were unaware of.

So when I started spotting I just had a feeling that this pregnancy wasn't going to last.

Then I started my new job, a week into my new job, and I knew I had to get to a doctor.

They did the ultrasound with the wand thing and found a sac.
They said my levels were still high enough that maybe it was too early in the pregnancy for anything to have happened past that point.
But they found the tumor which was softball sized at that point.

We went home to relax and went back in three days for another ultrasound.
No change, levels started to go down.

D and C two days later.

So we never heard a heartbeat.
Only saw a sac.

So something was created though not what I would consider even a baby yet- just the beginning of a pregnancy.

So I see these mothers counting their pregnancies as a child that they someday will hold again.
But will I?
Something was created but I feel 99% sure a spirit was not there yet.

So am I callous that I didn't get depressed over a lost child?
Am I callous to think- wow, all these moms count that as a child but I don't.

It's just a weird situation to be in that I'll have to wait for heaven to answer for me.

My 1st Mother's Day

Saturday night was spent with all my in-laws at my nephew Jack's 4th birthday party.
We got home just around 10pm and Simon fell asleep right after his bath.
Finally a quiet night- the last week has been tough training him to fall asleep on his own (cause I'm a spoiled mom and have nursed him to sleep.  You would too if it was your precious time with your baby since you work full time!).

And Sunday morning- which he normally sleeps in until maybe 9:30 or 10, he slept in until 10:30.

Hubby was nice and didn't make me wake the baby.
He went to church without us.

I spent that quiet time on Pinterest looking up silly things and RDJ (Robert Downey Jr).
It was kinda nice to relax!

Sacrament started at 10:40 (we're about a minute away) so I had like 5 minutes to get Simon ready.
We got there just in time, he was relatively good (a bit squirmy but he is 10 months old).

Caleb got me a new charm for my bracelet- The Tree of Life

Very sweet.
And some flowers.

After church, Simon took an awesome nap, I watched Life Unexpected a new series I just discovered on Netflix, and Caleb made brownies for the family party later.

Went to his grandparents to say happy mothers day (I LOVE their house SO much).

Then to my parents for a BBQ, talking to my brother down in Mexico for his mission, and then S'mores to round up the evening.

Got home at 9pm and Simon went straight to bed and got up at 11am this morning!
Cute little guy.

So a great first mother's day.  :)

Budgeting

I've never been one to budget- I do a running tally in my head and have always been able to stay on top and save. Call it my numerical-brain as I can even memorize license plate numbers to what car they are on and remember for weeks. I'm weird, I know.

But now being married, on one income, with a spouse who's always been able to spend what he wants, I am SCARED TO DEATH of our financial situation. We're not in a bad place but we should be spending WAY less than we are. It's frightening.

Any advice on how to start budgeting?